Stop focusing on your lack

On manifestation and reframing the stories you tell yourself

I recently saw two people making out in the corner seat of the L train. Immediately, I felt a sense of deep discomfort, not because the seats in the New York subway are incredibly filthy, but because growing up in India, I was taught to cringe at any public display of affection.

Eventually, the discomfort evaporated, and what remained was a confusing concoction of joy and sorrow. I was coldly reminded of the empty seat next to me, but like a true romantic, I also imagined that I was looking at myself in the not-so-distant future.

When you’re single and you see some PDA, you usually have one of two reactions:

1. It feels like God is making fun of you. You are reminded of how lonely you are, and how despite your best efforts, you have not found love. You are reminded of your lack.

2. Your heart swells with love, and your face lights up with joy. You think to yourself “wow, it’s so beautiful to see two humans in love. This shows me that love is possible, and if it’s possible for that person, it’s possible for me”. You are reminded of abundance, and you are instilled with hope.

I have historically fallen into the first category. When I see two people showing how much they love each other, my soul aches. It almost feels like the object of my yearning, my hypothetical lover, in all of her beauty, is on the other side of a glass wall. I am standing helplessly under the pouring rain, screaming for her attention, and the bouquet of roses in my hand is wilting. My lack is at the center of my attention.

For some reason, I’ve always found myself focusing on what I don’t have. And this is dangerous, because when you focus on the lack of something, you get even less of it, thanks to confirmation bias.

Your brain is always trying to confirm your theories. No matter what you believe, it will subconsciously try to prove you right by interpreting neutral cues in your environment as favoring your beliefs, or by selectively remembering things that support your theories. As Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right.”

This is basically what manifestation is. If we look past the fairy dust and the sparkles and the trite affirmations that encompass that word, we realize that the tumblr girls are actually on to something.

James Doty, a neuroscientist at Stanford, defines manifestation as “embedding your intentions into your subconscious”. In other words, it is the process of priming yourself to notice relevant information in your environment.

Take the example of a party. Aside from the conversation in front of you, you usually can’t decipher anything that is being said in the sea of overlapping chatter. And yet, the moment someone takes your name, it sticks out like a sore thumb - you can hear it very clearly despite the noise.

Similarly, if you decide that you want to do something - like open a restaurant, you start subconsciously looking out for things in your environment that might help make that thing a reality. Your mind might pick up on a conversation that you overhear in the cafe about health permits, which might prompt you to talk to those people. You might start noticing more “For Lease” signs on your daily walks. Or, you might start paying extra close attention to the hospitality you receive when you go out to eat. These are all cues that already existed in the environment, but that your mind now flags as relevant.

And even though manifestation is more about intentions, what I’m describing works the same way with beliefs.

If you adopt the belief that you’ll be able to successfully start a restaurant, your subconscious starts gathering evidence for it. When you take your baby steps, it will weigh instances of success more heavily than instances of failure. Each new piece of supporting “evidence” you collect boosts your confidence, not necessarily in the outcome being realized, but rather in your competence. The more you start believing that you are capable of doing the thing, the better your efforts become.

It’s a feedback loop - over time, you start accumulating bigger and bigger wins as a result of your focused efforts. These wins solidify your confidence in yourself even further, and the cycle continues until you eventually realize your goals. You literally make believe.

The same is true for the opposite scenario - the more you convince yourself that you don’t have what it takes, the more your mind fights to turn that into reality.

So the story you tell yourself matters. The perspective you take matters. What you believe, about the world and yourself, matters.

I’m not the first person to say this, but I keep forgetting this seemingly age-old piece of wisdom. And for the longest time, I had a hard time finding the words to rationalize it.

Basically, if your mind makes an argument along the lines of “this is how it’s been for the longest time, why would anything change now?” you have to remind yourself that

• The reason something would change is because you want it to, because you believe it can, and because you will take the necessary action.

• There’s always a story you’re telling yourself in the background, and you trick yourself into believing that your story is The Truth.

• Most things you operate on are not truths, they are beliefs. Once you recognize that, you can choose to believe things that empower you, even if you feel like your belief doesn’t make sense.

Coming back to the PDA: both beliefs (I will never find love because I never have, vs I will find love because they found love) are plausible, and both perspectives (I have never found love, vs I have all of these qualities that make me loveable) are valid.

But you internalize what you focus on - if you focus on your lack, you ever so subtly shrivel away from the world. You maybe choose not to dance with that girl who looks so beautiful under the disco lights because it’s not going to work out anyway. Maybe there’s something about your body language when you’re talking to that boy that signals “I don’t deserve to be here”. By focusing on what you lack, you are fueling stories that sabotage you.

On the other hand, the moment you truly internalize (and choose to believe) that you are worthy of love, and that there exists an abundance of opportunities, possibilities, and joy in the world that you can tap into, and when you remind yourself of everything you already have, the spark in your eyes comes back. You are able to move with more energy and more grace, because your mind is now committed to realizing your beliefs. You stop internalizing the losses, fumbles, and failures, because you know that they are not a reflection of your character.

And when you start living like this, a whole new world of possibilities emerges, and you realize that the life you so deeply crave is actually within reach.¹

1. All of this, of course, is assuming that you’re not just sitting on your ass, showering yourself with affirmations, and wishing for a change. You can’t just believe and wish your way into a different life, you also have to act accordingly. There is no change without action. But most of us never end up taking action because we don’t believe strongly enough that our actions matter.